these past two weeks have been two of those Has It Been Worth It? weeks. the ones in which your emotions go for broke and lay it on the line for the results of a few things, or thing.
if you’re like me, you spend a lot of time trying to psych yourself OUT of putting so much weight on the result of something, trying to put it in the big picture, telling yourself that your worth will sustain, or at least telling yourself that life will go on, regardless.
if you’re like me, you spend a lot of time telling yourself that whatever it is going to be, it will be, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it after it is done. however, despite logic, you perhaps also resort to a lot silly bargaining, the “if the M train comes right now, then it is going to be okay,” or “if the cross-walk turns right now, what i want to happen will” variety.
and despite ALL of these things, there will be those things that will happen the way you want them to, or won’t. they will reinforce a negative impression you have of yourself, or a positive one, or they will switch those on their heads.
these past two weeks, i got back my first paper of grad school, got back my first midterm of grad school, have been working seriously on my first group project of grad school, and have been pitching my first collaboration between my work and my grad school. all of these things, i’m sure years from now, will seem inconsequential. even right now, i know that they seem like small things in the much much larger scope that is the world.
but i also know that for me, right now, these first few triumphs or failures mean the world to me, in terms of whether they reinforce, or dissuade me from my years-long path to get here: to grad school, to this program, to this school, to this time in my life when after racking up enough wins two years ago to sustain me this long, i have a whole new slate in front of me that i need to fill. i can win, or i can lose. it can be right, or it can be wrong.
and i know, i KNOW, that even if failure does occur, it is perhaps for another reason, it is perhaps just to overcome, it is perhaps just for the best.
but my god, i want this to be a win.
and that’s why i’m feeling relief tonight. i was relieved to get an a on my first paper, i was relieved that despite my tendency sometimes to get Overly Quiet in group projects with others i don’t know (that snag always telling me that someone must know more, preferring to throw in a few choice words when needed) that my input this past weekend wasn’t just accepted, but changed the entire course of our project, i was relieved that despite an unforeseen setback to the possible collaboration between my work and school, i stood my ground and actually got my way.
but my midterm. my god, have i been nerves nerves nerves over it. terribly difficult new coursework, considered the hardest course in the program, hosting an “incredibly hard” midterm… hundreds of my peers have been able to attend afternoon study sessions that i have to opt out of because of work. i’ve been trying and trying and trying. it has vaguely reminded me of the course i took in college that literally broke down einstein’s theory of relativity in sixteen weeks. for whatever reason, i refused to give up on it. i literally spent hours at a time trying to decipher a few paragraphs. but, i did it, and how i did in that course remains to this day one of the things i’m most proud of.
i’ve felt this way about microeconomics, and i have WANTED to conquer it, to prove to myself mostly that i belong here. that this was right, that i can do it, that i’m worthy and that it’s worth it. beneath formulas for production possibility frontiers and dead-weight loss and average variable cost, i’ve been using this all as a test to see Has It Been Worth It? whether i will reign over this school or it will reign over me has come down to this terrible first challenge.
too much pressure on one thing is silly, i know. i’ve learned to put things in greater perspective. but with this: i was counting minutes on the subway. i was keeping my breath even down the sidewalk. i was telling myself that the lack of security guard at the door of the building was a positive sign, not a negative one.
i was watching my hand as i pulled out my mailbox tray and thinking it was STUPID STUPID STUPID and i should wait another day or two. i willed a decent grade onto that paper, but steeled myself for something so low that i would need shots. i had even picked out the bar. and in one absolute moment, it’s so silly how figures on a page can make everything seem Worth It.
b+
