finals over, i am free. free free free free free.
but oh my goodness, i have such an awful toothache. i can’t focus on much except eating cereal and watching “freaks and geeks”.
which might be just what i need right now to come back down.
two kinds
1. it’s not what’s good for you, it’s what you want
a hog’s hair brush and apple cider
we ran away for the weekend
the strands left behind are sweet and squeezed dry
it’s what you wanted
2. a purple stripe across the top of the room
twine laid out next to the silver dress
the body inside of it arched and silent as a peacock
wring this out, quickly now
we can’t bear it anymore
today was a politically charged day. from the aftermath of obama’s announcing a troop surge in afghanistan, to the stupak amendment protests in DC, to the rejection of the gay marriage bill in the NY state sentate, it took everything in my power to not just send a mass email to everyone in my office and ask them to sit in a circle with me so that we could share our politically charged feelings. seriously.
so it was interesting that today this incredibly awesome site, who lives here?, came across my desk. the site essentially breaks nyc’s boroughs down by neighborhood, and shows the percent of extremely low income, very low income, low income, moderate income, middle income, and high income families in the area. it also breaks down the percent of families in the area that can afford a 1 BR, 2 BR, or 3 BR apartment at a certain cost. the most fascinating part for me, however, was the average income in each area.
go a couple blocks north of what is considered the upper west side, and by the time you hit harlem, the average income plummets from $168,000 to $33,000 a year. something similar takes place when you move east from greenwich village to the lower each side: the average income falls from $141,000 to $36,000 a year. it was also fascinating to look at the average income of entire boroughs. the fact that the average income in the bronx is $36,000 is frankly just disturbing. what i would love to see is the racial breakdown and education level in those neighborhoods, as well.
overall, a really amazing use of interactive technology to make some stunning, and certainly politically charged points.
i think obama did a really great job last night of being very clear about the america’s past history with afghanistan, what has happened there, and his plans for the future. even if you don’t agree with him, this kind of clear, direct addressing to the people is the kind of leadership i like to see. it is so refreshing.
two things of most importance this AM:
keep devouring cold-eze. don’t let up.
find mitten/gloves. it has gotten COLD.
one thing of greater or equal importance:
tilt-shift photography. no, those aren’t miniatures. those scenes are REAL.
(by imonlysleeping)
i’ve been trying to say something on here, and i just haven’t been able to, which is why i think i’ve been blocked in general from getting much of anything out. i’ve been letting too many other voices have their say/have their way. it’s time for this to stop. they’re loud, yes, but that’s all they have.
what i was referencing in my last post has easily been my biggest struggle since i can first remember. and although i never meant for this blog to go into these kinds of issues, it’s all come to a head in the last few weeks, and i do need to get this out there.
to me, there are too many answers to a bad situation with someone. wait it out? confront it head-on? forget about it? go with my gut? distract myself? do something drastic? do nothing at all? be kind? be truthful? i bash myself up against brick walls again and again, and in all these ways, i beg those that things have gone sourly with to take me back into their good graces. and like i mentioned, i repeat this until there is literally no other choice than to close everything down and turn away one final time.
i try to find logic in often illogical situations. i write things and then erase them. i take steps forward and then run back. i charge and then fall hard.
and behind me, always, are the things that are good and sweet and bring me such greater joy. but i keep running into war like i want to burst every bit of myself apart. instead of appreciating what i have, i burden the ones that are good to me with stories of those that aren’t.
and the ones i keep running back to, the common thread amongst them was always staring me in the face: each one has so much to work through, it’s almost comical. they’re often the ones that state their opinions the loudest, have the most to ’say’. the first to judge, the first to say they don’t. the first to rip on others. the first to have the answer, the first to have the excuse. the first to not show up. the first to assume their otherwise was a legitimate reason not to. if they do, they are then first to then apologize too loudly, instead of sincerely. the first to claim they believe in something, and then perform everything but.
i see you(s) now. i’ll be the last to claim perfection, but i will claim that i’m good to my friends, that i have my shit together, and most importantly, i wouldn’t use my own unhappiness with my life to find fault with everyone else.
it’s this small realization that has been rather large for me. freeing, even. and that if i give any more of this any more thought that i have to, it’s nothing but a distraction from everything that’s important to me.
it’s always been them bashing themselves against a wall and me bashing myself next to them in hopes of being seen. what attention would they want to give except to further bash me away?
so i leave this topic with some wisdom from a certain t. altman, one of the wise ones that sums it up so much more succinctly:
if you can’t find yourself here amid the
hustle and bustle of your everyday life
can’t find happiness and peace and
god forbid your true self how in the hell
do you expect to find it somewhere else.
and there it is. and there it goes.
it’s in my nature to hold on to things for far too long. i sit and i’m patient and i wait it out. i give time, because i’ve already given so much. (it’s also in my nature to give an excruciatingly stupid amount of love for anyone from the get-go.) through the years, through everything, i’ll try and i’ll wait.
and then, when i let go, i let go so completely, so mercilessly, i forget that it was even there. sometimes it comes on slowly, sometimes it’s all at once. but it is always sure. i literally lock-down the hatches, stop myself up diamond-hard. it takes awhile for me to get to that point, but i always eventually reach it.
it’s been years, and it’s time. goodbye to you, friend. i loved you so thoroughly and completely, but it’s been years. i’ve tried everything, including trying nothing. lockdown, lockup. you’re not getting in again.
highlights and lowlights of today:
my organization’s thanksgiving potluck lunch was today, and it was very tasty. the CEO liked my cornbread and gave it a shoutout AND asked for the recipe. (!)
i’ve resigned myself to the fact that i’m going to see the new twilight movie. while this deeply disturbs me and i absolutely cannot stand the two lead characters, i do have to admit that i want to see jacob (the werewolf character) look love-lorn and yearning. he does that really, really really really well. so well that i’m going to see god damned “new moon”. shit.
it’s been fairly whirlwind-ish around here. it’s no excuse, really… i promised myself i would find the time to write despite everything else. so i will do that. i promise i promise i promise to myself.
so, what i have to say today is that yesterday i had one of those wonderful sweet feelings that everything is exactly where it’s supposed to be. i spent the morning sleeping in, making popovers with honey and butter with sL, and then seeing “precious” in a theater in harlem. as i walked home, back in sunnyside, through the streets that were moving with the pulse and the lights of a saturday evening in queens, i turned down my block, and right up above the yawn of the brick buildings, set back and high, was the sharpest most perfect crescent moon. the block was empty, but all of those languages from the street before were still humming off the sides of the buildings.
and it just felt pretty, it just felt right. food, harlem, sunnyside, languages, moon, brick buildings. these places have made me so happy and feel so much like home that they are.
